Reminiscing: My Time with Estefani (Honduras 2015, Part 3)

Yes, I am aware that it has taken me more than 3 months share my thoughts about my return to Honduras in July.  Like I said before, it was an experience like no other.  No words could match it.  So, for a while, I didn't even try.  Part of me thought that if I prolonged these posts, these memories, until it was almost time to see my Estefani again, it would ease the heartache of being away from her.  And it did.  I plan to return to her in January.  This post will not be a chronological story like many of the others.  I simply want to reminisce on every moment with my girl and cram them all into one long memory. 

My week with Estefani was nothing short of miraculous.  We went swimming (twice), did bible devotionals together, made crafts, celebrated her birthday, and gave about a million hugs.

On our first day together at a pool, I had brought Estefani a new pink sparkly swimsuit, heart-shaped sun glasses, and a matching fish floatie.  We spent our morning in the baby pool (her choice), where she would attempt to balance on the floatie, and erupt into hysterical laughter when she fell off. 

 

 

We spent the majority of two days like this, sitting in a little pool, "swimming" back and forth.  She would wrap her arms around my neck and rest her head on my shoulder for minutes at a time, pull away only to giggle and look at me, and then wrap her arms around me again.  This would often go on for twenty minutes or more.  She would go down the little baby slide with the other children who were there.  Sometimes, she would ask me to catch her.  Other times she would announce, "Solo me!" 

 

It was also there in that little pool that Estefani approached me and said, "I have a question now."  I braced myself, knowing that it was likely a question related to the recent changes in her sponsorship, as I'd told her earlier that she could ask me about if there was anything she wanted to know.  I turned my full attention to her and asked what her question was.

"Why did you want me?"

 

Wait...what?

"Why did you choose me?"

Her question was followed by a sigh of relief on my end.  The answer was easy.  I explained that from the second I saw her picture for the first time a year and a half ago, God put a great love for her in my heart.  I explained that when I realized a few weeks ago that she needed a new sponsor, I chose her instantly.  I told her that I loved her and that I always would.  She was satisfied with this answer and moved on to asking how long I could hold my breath under water.  Yes, the transition was seriously that easy.  

 

Later, we ventured to the big pool and slide a few times.  At one point, Estefani had gone halfway down the slide and decided to climb back up.  My sweet girl is always getting into some sort of innocent mischief such as this.  My (adult) teammate was already coming down the slide at this point and almost ran her over.  This hilarious and yet terrifying moment was somehow caught on camera by a bystander.  Here is Estefani reaching for me to save her.

 

 

 

 

So many perfect memories were made....

 

My Estefani and banana soda.  What more could I ask for?

 

 

Devotional craft

 

 

 

 

Although I had only found out a few weeks before the trip that Estefani would be mine, I managed to pull together way too many gifts to bring to her.  Some wonderful people from my church and missions team pitched in to get some needed things for her too.
 

Some late birthday gifts- a doll, tiara, and balloons

 

 

 

Looking through doll clothes with another little girl

 

 

 

 

 

We also spent a day at the sponsorship center where Estefani goes to receive tutoring, meals, bible teaching, and letters from me.  I arrived at the center that morning and waited for her.  She didn't show up along with the other kids, so I had one of my translators inquire about her and was told she would be there soon.  About a half hour later, she still had not arrived, so I inquired again, anxiously awaiting her arrival.  When you only get 3 days together every 6 months or so, every second counts.  Then, an hour or two into the day, she ran through the doorway and greeted me with a hug.  She then handed me a bracelet she had made for me.  I scooped her up and we sat down to have some lunch.  Then, we played for the rest of the afternoon.

 

 

 

 

  

   

Making jewelry

 

 

 

With my friend Susan

 

 

On our last day together, we were at the pool.  When the day had ended and goodbyes had been said, I put Estefani on the bus back to her center.  I would be taking another bus to my hotel.  As we were about to drive away, I left my bus and went over to hers one last time.  As if she knew I would be back for another goodbye, Estefani was peering out the window.  We blew kisses and I told her I would see her soon.

 

 

 

I got back on the bus and cried along with many of the others who had just said goodbye to their kids.  Honduras and Estefani had become my home.  My heart would stay there with her.  More than ever before, my calling was clear- and I would surely be back.

Melania and Irma (Honduras 2015, Part 2)

In addition to my Estefani, I also sponsor two teenaged cousins in Honduras- Melania and Irma.  They are both such sweet, humble girls with strong passions for God.  They attend the same sponsorship center in Honduras as Estefani; and while she definitely got the majority of my attention on this trip for reasons mentioned in previous posts, I wanted to share some highlights of my time with Melania and Irma.  Honestly, I want to brag about these girls.  Their genuine hearts and sweet, gentle spirits blow me away more each time I visit.

Melania and Irma are 16 and 13 years old.  They are not only cousins, but best friends.  I had sponsored Melania for almost two years at the time that I added Irma, and wondered if it would cause jealousy.  I was relieved to receive a letter from Melania right before this visit in which she shared, "I know that you sponsor my cousin Irma, and for me it is a great joy, because now we are not two, but three.  I prayed for Irma to have a good sponsor like you.  I would like to spend time with you again, along with Irma."  Her sincerity was clear, and my fears ceased.

Melania (left) and Irma (right)

Just weeks before the trip, though, I got the opportunity to sponsor Estefani (see our story here and here.)  When I arrived to our visit and began talking with Melania and Irma, it quickly became clear to me that they had not been informed of this.  They seemed surprised and possibly a little disappointed that they wouldn't have me all to themselves, and whispered to each other about it.  Still, they remained excited for every second we were able to spend together.  We spent our first morning just sitting and talking.  We had some amazing translators this year who constantly encouraged the sponsors and children to pray for each other throughout the visit, so we had some prayer time and shared our favorite bible verses.

I also got to take the incredibly long journey up the mountain to visit their homes.  We went part way by bus, but had to get out and walk the last stretch that was too narrow to drive.  On the way, the girls and I squeezed into the back of the bus and played with my handheld fan, which they thought was hilarious.  Irma had been quiet up to this point; but when she started waving that fan around, she erupted with laughter.  This was probably the highlight of my time with Irma.

The girls' homes were near each other and very similar in structure.  Despite the challenges the families face, they did not cease to share their most precious gifts with us.  Melania's family made us a meal of chicken and rice.  Irma's family had bought cookies and Coke in honor of our visit.

In Irma's bedroom where she opened her gifts

During the home visits, I gave the girls the gifts I had brought for them.  After giving Irma her gifts, she continued to thank me for the rest of the week, telling me she thought the gifts were "so beautiful".  For Melania, who often writes to me asking questions about God's plans for marriage and expressing that she desires to wait for His plans for her, I brought a special purity ring that matches mine, along with a Spanish copy of "The Lady in Waiting".

Throughout our time together, their inner beauty and love for God was evident to everyone.

They even bonded with Estefani and were so patient and loving with her- swimming, coloring, and talking together.  Irma especially took my lead and became so motherly to her.  It was precious to me to see my girls forming a little family.



At one point towards the beginning of the week, my translator gathered our little group (my 3 girls, plus Irma's sister and Estefani's cousin who had joined us) into a circle.  He had me pray over each of the girls, and then had each one pray over me.  One of the most precious memories of my life will be the empowerment I saw in these girls as they prayed together.



Later on in the week at the swimming pool, before our final goodbye, Melania pulled me aside and wanted to pray for me again.

Melania and I had some very important talks about Godly friendships and relationships.  She has a real desire for these things and for waiting for His purpose for her life.  My time with these girls was so precious.  I look forward to seeing them again in the near future.  They have clearly been set apart for such great things.

The Words I've Found (Honduras 2015, Part 1)

I don't want to write about it...

I don't want to miss it...

I just want to be there.  With my team.  In that culture.  Where my heart is at home.

I returned home from Honduras just over 5 weeks ago...

But my heart did not return with me.......

I have spent the past five weeks at a complete loss for words to share about the whole thing.  The memories are just so beautiful, no words can match them.  My first days back, I avoided discussion about Honduras at all costs, except with my teammates from the trip; not knowing how to explain the experience that nobody could possibly understand without having been there.  I refused to write about it and have it be seen as just a memory to look back on. In fact, I don't want it to be memory at all.  That feeling of being smack dab in the center of God's will is something I want to experience every day.  God has completely wrecked me in the most perfect way- for His calling.  I am in this season where writing and sharing about missions has just not been what is important.  I have become content flying under the radar and simply living this adventure, taking it in a little more every day.  I don't want to forget the culture, the sounds of people's laughs, the details of their faces, the hilarious moments in the back of the bus while riding through the mountains.... 

For me, this wasn't just a short term mission trip. This was a "evaluating how I can serve God like this for the rest of my life" trip. I don't know yet what that will look like.  What I do know, is that I came home five weeks ago...but my heart did not come home with me.  Last month, Honduras became my heart's home. My team became family, living all together in one place. I was adapting to the culture...the language...the food...the JOY. And even though it is only a "heart adoption" rather than a legal one at this point, I became a heart mama to nine year old Estefani. And I don't think any words can really tell that story....to describe how badly I miss it.  Miss her.  Her hugs.  Her laughs.  Her cute little curls.

  

While talking with a fellow teammate about adjusting back home after an experience like this, he asked me, "Do you ever think, you know it will be okay eventually, but you don't want it to be okay?".  He took my every thought from the past five weeks and put them into a single sentence.  Right now, I feel that.  Eventually, you do adjust back to life in the states.  Your heart stops longing to go back every second of every day.  You get used to not having your kids and your teammates there with you.  You start to get comfortable and even excited about other opportunities.  Summer ends, fall comes (here in Western Pennsylvania, that usually happens in like...August), and you somehow fit right into this new season of cool weather, church bonfires, and pumpkin spice lattes.  You lose your grip on just how amazing life there really was.  It becomes okay.  But I don't want that.  I don't want to forget how perfect it was for my heart to be at home.

I know this post may sound depressing, but I am actually filled with so much JOY over everything God is doing. It is the story that my heart sings every day, but my lips have spent the past five weeks refusing to speak; because without being there, you can never really know. For this reason, these blogs may be less orderly and chronological that any missions series I have written in the past. I may or may not even write a whole detailed series; but there are things that I want the world to know.  Not just about Estefani and my older sponsored children either...

I want the world to know how amazing it feels to live every second of every day nauseous from the heat and the agua verde (green water, a term of endearment we created for the hotel’s bottled water that was always slightly discolored), yet never happier.  How it feels to open your mouth and suddenly have Spanish come out, phrases you weren't even aware you knew.  How it feels to go on adventures in the murder capital of the world, ride through gang-ridden areas in the back of a pickup truck, spend your nights swimming at a hot spring heated by lava rock, or get stuck in a government protest while just trying to go to the mall...

Note the torches

I want the world to know how much I miss living in a little hotel and laying out on the porch in a hammock.  Or how I miss living in community with my team who quickly became family... never being without fellowship, because our rooms all opened up to the same long-stretched porch.  How I miss the culture where church and worship mean fancy costumes and tambourines.  And without being there, you will never understand why I even miss the agua verde....

The view from the roof in Gracias, Lempira, Honduras

Church in San Pedro Sula

  

I have been coming to God completely empty.  No empty as in lacking.  I am so filled, so blessed, and so excited for the future.  There are many things I have, but nothing that I cling to.  I am coming to Him open- open for Him to lead me in any direction from here.  To give and take away the desires of my heart.  Being in Honduras freed me to absolutely anything He may have in store.  I can't sit still.  I now know what is out there.  Some nights, late at night, I get so excited that I go outside and just walk...or run...or sometimes just lay on the grass.  Anything to feel closer to that place....the heat, the dirt, the scenery....

In the stillness, I hear God speak:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.  I will counsel you with my eye upon you." -Psalm 32:8

This verse has been following me since I have been home.  I am learning to follow His voice.  In this time of feeling like the whole world is my possibility, I know that God is instructing me in the way I should go.

Even writing this now, I know my words are not doing it justice.  But I pray that the Spirit will speak to each heart who reads it.  Greater things are still to be done....

More soon...

A Letter to My Estefani

I need to take a moment to be real with you, because truthfully, there is no poetic way to word this.  God is doing something new and beautiful in my life and the life of my Estefani.  This story starts with heartache, and ends with...well...a new beginning.  As I've said before, love is messy.  This story is not playing out at all how I had planned, but in many ways, even better.

My first day with Estefani, last May

As of last week, there has been a change.  Estefani, who was once only my financially sponsored child my friend formed the actual relationship with, is now completely mine.  In order to respect the others involved, I will not be getting into why things played out the way they did.  I don't know why after all of the miracles God performed last year with Estefani and her previous sponsor, she is now mine.  Don't get me wrong- I'm thrilled she is!  I just don't understand.  I don't understand why my precious girl has to face yet another heartache of yet another change in her life.  I don't understand why she is still stuck in her living situation.  I may never understand it.

As I was praying for the words to tell my Estefani about this change of plans, I was led to the scripture Isaiah 43:18-19:

"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past.  Behold, I will do something new!  Now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?  I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."

When I wonder why God came through so faithfully last year, but this year looks like chaos...

When I start to wonder how the pieces of this puzzle fit together...

When I try to figure out how to undo the damage...

God is working something new.  He will even make rivers in the desert- fulfillment in seemingly impossible situations.  Whatever He is doing, it is sure to be better than anything I can think up.  So much good is coming.  In the mean time, I needed a way to explain this change to Estefani, while also pointing her to the foundation of a Heavenly Father who will never leave or forsake her.  So, I wrote this letter, which was read to her by a friend who went to Honduras ahead of me (I will be joining in a less than two weeks!).  I am choosing to share it here, because this is my heart for my sweet girl.  Some parts of this letter have been edited or removed before posting, such as the explanation of what exactly happened, and the names of the other people involved.  If the letter seems a little choppy, that is why.

Precious Estefani,

Hello beautiful!  This is Megan.  I met you last year when I came to Honduras with your previous sponsor.  You are such a special and beloved girl; meeting you was one of the most amazing things that ever happened to me.  I still think about you every day.  Our whole group loves you so much.  You probably don't know this, but I am actually the one who chose you for your previous sponsor when she decided to sponsor a child.  From the second that I saw your picture, God put a great love for you in my heart. 

Estefani, I am writing to tell you that I am now your sponsor, because your previous sponsor is no longer able to be.  I promise you that it is not because of you.  There are many other reasons.  I am sorry if  you are sad about this.  It is okay to be sad, but I am so happy to be your sponsor.  On July 13, I am coming to visit you, and we will have so much fun together!  I am so excited to see you!  We will spend time at your school, your house, your sponsorship center, and go swimming together at the pool!  We will play together, talk, and share in God's love together.  I will also be bringing gifts for you and your family, and gifts for your late birthday. I also sponsor two other girls in your community who will be with us- Melania and Irma.  After I return from visiting you, I will write letters to you all the time.  I will learn more Spanish and will help you to learn more English, so we can communicate better.  I will always love you, my sweet girl.

When I was praying about this, God showed me the bible verse Isaiah 43:19.  In this verse, God says, "Behold, I am doing something new!".  I believe God is doing a beautiful new thing by allowing me to be your sponsor.  Ever since I met you, I have been telling all of my friends and family how special you are.  I look at your picture and pray for you every day. 

More than anything, I want you to know that no matter what, God is the One who will always be with you and love you.  God is a perfect King, so He never messes up or leaves us like people sometimes do.  Have you ever seen a picture of a princess wearing a beautiful crown?  Well, the bible says even though God doesn't usually give us actual crowns for our heads, He crowns our hearts with glory and majesty.  The words "glory" and "majesty" both mean "great beauty."  God loves you so much and He wants to crown your heart with great beauty and let you be His daughter.  Do you want to know how?

God sent His perfect Son, Jesus, here to Earth to die on a cross to take the punishment for our sins for us, so our hearts can be free from sin and be crowned with great beauty instead.  After Jesus died, He rose back to life to defeat our sin and make us His.  All you have to do is turn to Him and ask, and He will rid your heart of sin, crown your heart with beauty by putting His Holy Spirit inside of you, and make you His princess forever (because He is the King!)  Have you asked Him to do that for you?  If not, you can ask Him, even right now, and you will be His princess forever!

When you become His princess, you probably won't look any different or live in a castle right now; but, if you are His princess, He will be your Father who will never leave you.  He will always love you.  Even if you do not have a father here on Earth, or even if you miss the people who are not with you any more, God can fill those parts of your heart with His love.  And, when you are old and your life on Earth is over, He will take you to His kingdom in Heaven- because you are His princess!  Heaven is a place so beautiful that we can't even imagine how amazing it will be.  There are animals and colors and food in Heaven that we have never even seen before!  The bible says that everyone in Heaven is happy.  When we get there, we will never be sad or scared or lonely again!  We will all be one big family, with God as our Father.  The floors in Heaven will be made of colorful stones.  The gates will be made of pearls.  In the bible, Revelation 21:4 says, "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any sadness, or crying, or pain."  How amazing does that sound?

Estefani, you are so smart and beautiful.  I know that God has enormous and amazing plans for your life!  He will transform your life to be exactly what He wants it to be.

I love you so much and pray for you every day.  I will see you very soon, my princess!

With Much Love,
Megan

Stretching Beyond Limits

As I've written about in the past, human trafficking is something God has spent the past few years making me painfully aware of.  I prayed a prayer several months ago, asking Him to give me opportunities to help with this crisis I could no longer ignore.  I have joined a local task force against trafficking through my church, but I also wanted to go into all the world and reach victims and at-risk individuals everywhere.  

After a few months, a 5 year old little girl named Isadora appeared on the Compassion International website.  She lives in a red light district full of child prostitution.  In this slum, children as young as five are prostitutes, and children as young as eight are becoming pregnant.  Isadora herself hasn't been a victim of these things, but Compassion is working into this community to proactively protect her and her peers.  Additionally, Isadora wants to be a ballerina when she grows up.  I was a ballerina for more than eight years, and it is still has a very big piece of my heart.  I also have an entire bin full of ballerina-themed stickers and whatnot saved for the girls who I currently sponsor.  Sponsoring Isadora just made sense, and I wanted to so badly.

 

I began to pray and pray and pray for Isadora.  I posted her picture on Facebook, asking if anyone would sponsor her, since I had no idea how I could, or should, stretch my ministry budget any farther.  After about a day, she was gone from the website and it said she had been chosen by someone else.  When I saw this, I fell to my knees and literally begged,

"God I KNOW I was supposed to sponsor her!  I don't know how to make it work, but PLEASE let her come back onto the site!"

Against all odds, a few minutes later, she was on the website again!  And this time she stayed- for days.  Somehow, I still didn't sponsor her, still doubting if I could.  I continued to pray and share her picture.  When I shared her with a friend who I know from one of my previous mission trips, he fell for her as strongly as I did.  He decided that he wanted to sponsor Isadora, but wanted to let me write to her! 

I have a friend who is visiting her area in May, and is delivering a pair of ballerina slippers to her for me.

Oh, and that area?  It's in Brazil!  

Between this new venture, preparing to return to Honduras, and advocating for the 200 children who we are hoping to see sponsored from the new center we are kicking off in Honduras, I felt my heart stretching beyond its limits.  In a way, trying to poetically word these stories, while reading hundreds more on various social media platforms, my heart gets overwhelmed.  The enemy has, at times, left me wondering if there is really anything special about these things after all.  Now Brazil too?  I didn't know what to do with it all.  Then the other night, I was in my bedroom writing my first letter to Isadora and looking at her picture in disbelief.  I already loved her so much, but squeezing this new mission into my life...it was messy...it didn't fit.  As I wrote her letter and looked at her picture, though, God took that overwhelming fear in my heart and instantly replaced it with joy.  When I say instantly, I mean I glanced over at Isadora's picture and was hit with instantaneous love for this child, unable to even comprehend how much I already loved her. 

In that moment, God intertwined my and Isadora's hearts.  I didn't know how, but suddenly, it fit.  If you would like to know more about the work being done in Isadora's community, click here to watch a short documentary about the area. 

Go Into All the World - A Review

After a completely unintentional 4 month hiatus, I am back!  Later on, I will fill you in on the new journey I am taking this summer in Honduras, as well as some other awesome things God has been doing.  But first...

David Chalmers is a Compassion International child advocate and blogger, often referred to as "The Man with 50 Kids."  In David's new book, Go Into All the World, he shares stories of his visits with 31 of his 50 sponsored children in 12 different countries!  Go Into All the World gives a close look at Compassion's ministry in these places, as well as an overview of how the organization runs.  David graciously sent me one of the pre-release copies of the book to read and review.

If you are like me and love to hear about others' experiences with missions and child sponsorship, this is the book for you!  Jam-packed with stories of Compassion child fun days and home/project visits, Go Into All the World brings a sense of realness to these often-glamorized stories.  While grammatically and structurally an easy read (I read the entire book in two sittings), a slower read may help you to take it all in and offer a deeper connection to the children you are reading about. 

The first several chapters of the book explain Compassion's ministry and give an in-depth look at how each of their programs work.  If you, like me, have been familiar with Compassion for any length of time, you may be able to skim through these chapters and get right to the visit stories.  Once you do, you will not be sorry!

Over all, I would definitely say that Go Into All the World is a worthy read.  David's heart for Compassion is clear throughout each chapter.  He has recently returned from a year of working at an orphanage in the Philippines, and has wasted no time jumping right back into his work with Compassion.  To read more from David, you can visit his blog.

If you have found An Omer of Manna through David, please feel free to subscribe or keep checking back!