Reminiscing: My Time with Estefani (Honduras 2015, Part 3)

Yes, I am aware that it has taken me more than 3 months share my thoughts about my return to Honduras in July.  Like I said before, it was an experience like no other.  No words could match it.  So, for a while, I didn't even try.  Part of me thought that if I prolonged these posts, these memories, until it was almost time to see my Estefani again, it would ease the heartache of being away from her.  And it did.  I plan to return to her in January.  This post will not be a chronological story like many of the others.  I simply want to reminisce on every moment with my girl and cram them all into one long memory. 

My week with Estefani was nothing short of miraculous.  We went swimming (twice), did bible devotionals together, made crafts, celebrated her birthday, and gave about a million hugs.

On our first day together at a pool, I had brought Estefani a new pink sparkly swimsuit, heart-shaped sun glasses, and a matching fish floatie.  We spent our morning in the baby pool (her choice), where she would attempt to balance on the floatie, and erupt into hysterical laughter when she fell off. 

 

 

We spent the majority of two days like this, sitting in a little pool, "swimming" back and forth.  She would wrap her arms around my neck and rest her head on my shoulder for minutes at a time, pull away only to giggle and look at me, and then wrap her arms around me again.  This would often go on for twenty minutes or more.  She would go down the little baby slide with the other children who were there.  Sometimes, she would ask me to catch her.  Other times she would announce, "Solo me!" 

 

It was also there in that little pool that Estefani approached me and said, "I have a question now."  I braced myself, knowing that it was likely a question related to the recent changes in her sponsorship, as I'd told her earlier that she could ask me about if there was anything she wanted to know.  I turned my full attention to her and asked what her question was.

"Why did you want me?"

 

Wait...what?

"Why did you choose me?"

Her question was followed by a sigh of relief on my end.  The answer was easy.  I explained that from the second I saw her picture for the first time a year and a half ago, God put a great love for her in my heart.  I explained that when I realized a few weeks ago that she needed a new sponsor, I chose her instantly.  I told her that I loved her and that I always would.  She was satisfied with this answer and moved on to asking how long I could hold my breath under water.  Yes, the transition was seriously that easy.  

 

Later, we ventured to the big pool and slide a few times.  At one point, Estefani had gone halfway down the slide and decided to climb back up.  My sweet girl is always getting into some sort of innocent mischief such as this.  My (adult) teammate was already coming down the slide at this point and almost ran her over.  This hilarious and yet terrifying moment was somehow caught on camera by a bystander.  Here is Estefani reaching for me to save her.

 

 

 

 

So many perfect memories were made....

 

My Estefani and banana soda.  What more could I ask for?

 

 

Devotional craft

 

 

 

 

Although I had only found out a few weeks before the trip that Estefani would be mine, I managed to pull together way too many gifts to bring to her.  Some wonderful people from my church and missions team pitched in to get some needed things for her too.
 

Some late birthday gifts- a doll, tiara, and balloons

 

 

 

Looking through doll clothes with another little girl

 

 

 

 

 

We also spent a day at the sponsorship center where Estefani goes to receive tutoring, meals, bible teaching, and letters from me.  I arrived at the center that morning and waited for her.  She didn't show up along with the other kids, so I had one of my translators inquire about her and was told she would be there soon.  About a half hour later, she still had not arrived, so I inquired again, anxiously awaiting her arrival.  When you only get 3 days together every 6 months or so, every second counts.  Then, an hour or two into the day, she ran through the doorway and greeted me with a hug.  She then handed me a bracelet she had made for me.  I scooped her up and we sat down to have some lunch.  Then, we played for the rest of the afternoon.

 

 

 

 

  

   

Making jewelry

 

 

 

With my friend Susan

 

 

On our last day together, we were at the pool.  When the day had ended and goodbyes had been said, I put Estefani on the bus back to her center.  I would be taking another bus to my hotel.  As we were about to drive away, I left my bus and went over to hers one last time.  As if she knew I would be back for another goodbye, Estefani was peering out the window.  We blew kisses and I told her I would see her soon.

 

 

 

I got back on the bus and cried along with many of the others who had just said goodbye to their kids.  Honduras and Estefani had become my home.  My heart would stay there with her.  More than ever before, my calling was clear- and I would surely be back.

Melania and Irma (Honduras 2015, Part 2)

In addition to my Estefani, I also sponsor two teenaged cousins in Honduras- Melania and Irma.  They are both such sweet, humble girls with strong passions for God.  They attend the same sponsorship center in Honduras as Estefani; and while she definitely got the majority of my attention on this trip for reasons mentioned in previous posts, I wanted to share some highlights of my time with Melania and Irma.  Honestly, I want to brag about these girls.  Their genuine hearts and sweet, gentle spirits blow me away more each time I visit.

Melania and Irma are 16 and 13 years old.  They are not only cousins, but best friends.  I had sponsored Melania for almost two years at the time that I added Irma, and wondered if it would cause jealousy.  I was relieved to receive a letter from Melania right before this visit in which she shared, "I know that you sponsor my cousin Irma, and for me it is a great joy, because now we are not two, but three.  I prayed for Irma to have a good sponsor like you.  I would like to spend time with you again, along with Irma."  Her sincerity was clear, and my fears ceased.

Melania (left) and Irma (right)

Just weeks before the trip, though, I got the opportunity to sponsor Estefani (see our story here and here.)  When I arrived to our visit and began talking with Melania and Irma, it quickly became clear to me that they had not been informed of this.  They seemed surprised and possibly a little disappointed that they wouldn't have me all to themselves, and whispered to each other about it.  Still, they remained excited for every second we were able to spend together.  We spent our first morning just sitting and talking.  We had some amazing translators this year who constantly encouraged the sponsors and children to pray for each other throughout the visit, so we had some prayer time and shared our favorite bible verses.

I also got to take the incredibly long journey up the mountain to visit their homes.  We went part way by bus, but had to get out and walk the last stretch that was too narrow to drive.  On the way, the girls and I squeezed into the back of the bus and played with my handheld fan, which they thought was hilarious.  Irma had been quiet up to this point; but when she started waving that fan around, she erupted with laughter.  This was probably the highlight of my time with Irma.

The girls' homes were near each other and very similar in structure.  Despite the challenges the families face, they did not cease to share their most precious gifts with us.  Melania's family made us a meal of chicken and rice.  Irma's family had bought cookies and Coke in honor of our visit.

In Irma's bedroom where she opened her gifts

During the home visits, I gave the girls the gifts I had brought for them.  After giving Irma her gifts, she continued to thank me for the rest of the week, telling me she thought the gifts were "so beautiful".  For Melania, who often writes to me asking questions about God's plans for marriage and expressing that she desires to wait for His plans for her, I brought a special purity ring that matches mine, along with a Spanish copy of "The Lady in Waiting".

Throughout our time together, their inner beauty and love for God was evident to everyone.

They even bonded with Estefani and were so patient and loving with her- swimming, coloring, and talking together.  Irma especially took my lead and became so motherly to her.  It was precious to me to see my girls forming a little family.



At one point towards the beginning of the week, my translator gathered our little group (my 3 girls, plus Irma's sister and Estefani's cousin who had joined us) into a circle.  He had me pray over each of the girls, and then had each one pray over me.  One of the most precious memories of my life will be the empowerment I saw in these girls as they prayed together.



Later on in the week at the swimming pool, before our final goodbye, Melania pulled me aside and wanted to pray for me again.

Melania and I had some very important talks about Godly friendships and relationships.  She has a real desire for these things and for waiting for His purpose for her life.  My time with these girls was so precious.  I look forward to seeing them again in the near future.  They have clearly been set apart for such great things.

The Words I've Found (Honduras 2015, Part 1)

I don't want to write about it...

I don't want to miss it...

I just want to be there.  With my team.  In that culture.  Where my heart is at home.

I returned home from Honduras just over 5 weeks ago...

But my heart did not return with me.......

I have spent the past five weeks at a complete loss for words to share about the whole thing.  The memories are just so beautiful, no words can match them.  My first days back, I avoided discussion about Honduras at all costs, except with my teammates from the trip; not knowing how to explain the experience that nobody could possibly understand without having been there.  I refused to write about it and have it be seen as just a memory to look back on. In fact, I don't want it to be memory at all.  That feeling of being smack dab in the center of God's will is something I want to experience every day.  God has completely wrecked me in the most perfect way- for His calling.  I am in this season where writing and sharing about missions has just not been what is important.  I have become content flying under the radar and simply living this adventure, taking it in a little more every day.  I don't want to forget the culture, the sounds of people's laughs, the details of their faces, the hilarious moments in the back of the bus while riding through the mountains.... 

For me, this wasn't just a short term mission trip. This was a "evaluating how I can serve God like this for the rest of my life" trip. I don't know yet what that will look like.  What I do know, is that I came home five weeks ago...but my heart did not come home with me.  Last month, Honduras became my heart's home. My team became family, living all together in one place. I was adapting to the culture...the language...the food...the JOY. And even though it is only a "heart adoption" rather than a legal one at this point, I became a heart mama to nine year old Estefani. And I don't think any words can really tell that story....to describe how badly I miss it.  Miss her.  Her hugs.  Her laughs.  Her cute little curls.

  

While talking with a fellow teammate about adjusting back home after an experience like this, he asked me, "Do you ever think, you know it will be okay eventually, but you don't want it to be okay?".  He took my every thought from the past five weeks and put them into a single sentence.  Right now, I feel that.  Eventually, you do adjust back to life in the states.  Your heart stops longing to go back every second of every day.  You get used to not having your kids and your teammates there with you.  You start to get comfortable and even excited about other opportunities.  Summer ends, fall comes (here in Western Pennsylvania, that usually happens in like...August), and you somehow fit right into this new season of cool weather, church bonfires, and pumpkin spice lattes.  You lose your grip on just how amazing life there really was.  It becomes okay.  But I don't want that.  I don't want to forget how perfect it was for my heart to be at home.

I know this post may sound depressing, but I am actually filled with so much JOY over everything God is doing. It is the story that my heart sings every day, but my lips have spent the past five weeks refusing to speak; because without being there, you can never really know. For this reason, these blogs may be less orderly and chronological that any missions series I have written in the past. I may or may not even write a whole detailed series; but there are things that I want the world to know.  Not just about Estefani and my older sponsored children either...

I want the world to know how amazing it feels to live every second of every day nauseous from the heat and the agua verde (green water, a term of endearment we created for the hotel’s bottled water that was always slightly discolored), yet never happier.  How it feels to open your mouth and suddenly have Spanish come out, phrases you weren't even aware you knew.  How it feels to go on adventures in the murder capital of the world, ride through gang-ridden areas in the back of a pickup truck, spend your nights swimming at a hot spring heated by lava rock, or get stuck in a government protest while just trying to go to the mall...

Note the torches

I want the world to know how much I miss living in a little hotel and laying out on the porch in a hammock.  Or how I miss living in community with my team who quickly became family... never being without fellowship, because our rooms all opened up to the same long-stretched porch.  How I miss the culture where church and worship mean fancy costumes and tambourines.  And without being there, you will never understand why I even miss the agua verde....

The view from the roof in Gracias, Lempira, Honduras

Church in San Pedro Sula

  

I have been coming to God completely empty.  No empty as in lacking.  I am so filled, so blessed, and so excited for the future.  There are many things I have, but nothing that I cling to.  I am coming to Him open- open for Him to lead me in any direction from here.  To give and take away the desires of my heart.  Being in Honduras freed me to absolutely anything He may have in store.  I can't sit still.  I now know what is out there.  Some nights, late at night, I get so excited that I go outside and just walk...or run...or sometimes just lay on the grass.  Anything to feel closer to that place....the heat, the dirt, the scenery....

In the stillness, I hear God speak:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.  I will counsel you with my eye upon you." -Psalm 32:8

This verse has been following me since I have been home.  I am learning to follow His voice.  In this time of feeling like the whole world is my possibility, I know that God is instructing me in the way I should go.

Even writing this now, I know my words are not doing it justice.  But I pray that the Spirit will speak to each heart who reads it.  Greater things are still to be done....

More soon...